you know something; i really do hate you now.
time and again i just end up lying to myself that someday, there'll be a perfect reason to explain everything. now i can finally, at last, see that there's no such thing, i was lying to myself, all because i badly wanted to cling on to what i believed.
i should have known. all your consolation, lies, it was all fake. maybe the reason why you even bothered to try was so that i would stupidly believe it and actually help you when you needed it. i naively thought i was being a good friend. actually i was just walking straight into your trap.
or did you even need help in the first place? maybe it was another lie, so that you could stand by the side and laugh at me believing you.
would it have killed you, after at least two years, to spare a small thought?
now i know. it's not a problem with you. its the problem with me. for a long time i was trying to be someone that i wanted to be. and obviously, i screwed it up, like i always do. wrapping myself in many layers doesn't work. maybe when you remove all the layers, all you find inside is nothing.
after a few months i finally struggled up that cliff, and with one swift kick you leave me falling straight down again.
i should have known trusting anyone was a mistake. first you, who next? sooner or later i'm the only one still thinking that the illusion is real.
i should stop believing in forevers. well not forevers actually, just that i should stop believing. because like she said, everyone's a chameleon. just that you're better at it. or perhaps you're worse than my other friends because they have more patience to continue pretending.
maybe i'm being oversensitive and stupid, as usual. but this time i have ths gut feeling that i hit close to the truth, and that's what hurts the most. do you even know how much i want myself to be wrong?
well, you finally gotten what you wanted. to hurt me. don't you ever get sick of stupid mind games, double crossing? or maybe you just did that to only me so all of you can have a good laugh behind my back.
i hope you're happy at last.
May 23, 2009