my word is messed up. i can't type in chinese! so i have to handwrite my zuowen notes.. ):
today in chem i got scolded my mr lau coz i didnt pay attention and asked him to repeat whats the polyatomic compounds. i think i really got a wakeup call from that. i need to learn to SLEEP EARLY, so that i won't doze off in class. and reading my book under the table is sooo tempting... haiz. maybe i'll ask bella to confiscate my book from me in lessons like lit so i'll have to read FFA for once D:
i've been slacking, putting off revision, thinking that the measly amount that i actually did was enough. at first when mr lau scolded me i was quite mad, but when i thought about it he has a good point. i REALLY can't afford to slack coz i simply don't have enough brains for that, and i can't delude myself into thinking i do. though i'm going to direct all my chem questions to fang, for sure.
it's like everything that i thought i actually had seems to be falling out, splitting apart at the seams; everything that can go wrong is doing that all at once. i need to seriously look back and try to put everything back together. i discovered actually it's not how happy you are, it's how good you are at pretending. or maybe it's whether you know how to ignore things that punch you in the face all of a sudden, and still spring back into your normal self. but i need to learn that first.
there's nothing i'm actually good at - my grades as HORRIBLE, i have no talent whatsoever, and my singing sucks like siao. i need to work on my airy-ness a LOT, and to really feel the emotions in the song. ok after exams i need to resume prac again.. ): i was watching the hollie steel vid on youtube and sh'e SUPER pro. and she's 10. o.O anyway. i digress.
everytime i think i might be okay at something or finally making an inprovement, i don't dare to feel optimistic. how am i supposed to know how much i have to do before i really and truly feel satisfied? i don't want myself to become an conceited idiot, to be treated that way, yet or else i'm a major pessimist.
yes, i know i'm seriously going psycho. and not in the high way either. i'm totally boring now aren't i? everyone seems perfectly happy, doing well, and i'm the only one that's not. like i said, maybe it's the pretence. maybe i read too much into things, and think too much. or maybe it's just coz i should stop living in the past and get over everything. but that is simply impossible because the past is where the good times were, and this is OBVIOUSLY not a great time. i wonder how long it will take before i can look back of this period of time and feel glad at this isn't happening right now.
i'm really the most flawed person i know. i've let so many things slide past me because of my stupidity and procrastination, now i really need to make a change. the hardest thing is to WORK on it.
and so basically this is yet another problem, one that will be really hard for me to pretend that i've forgotten it, because i can't bring myself to deal with everything right now. nothing is the same, but i'm the only one that doesn't acknowledge that fact. everyone's moved on, made new friends, i'm the only one still pulling on to my friends because i don't think i have anywhere else to go. but i don't want to become a clingy burden either. good point, maybe i should just work on pretending and try to forget.
ah let's forget it and move on, yeah? today i mugged for chem and zuowen, and i TRIED the maths worksheet but i need to figure out a histogram -.- basically not much work at all D:
to do:
-MUG FOR ZUOWEN
-READ FFA!
-revise dialougues and etc for narrative writing
-buy G2 pens
-mug chem & history & eng
i'm SO GLAD exams are spread over 3 weeks. even though it drags and everything, at least i have a LOT more time to study.. phew XD
ok, gotta sleep or else i'll doze off tomorrow. bye!
It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
i'll remember you by no secrets; i think it really describes what i'm feeling right now, even though i've said this before but i think it's just really true. except i'm not talking about a guy here lah -.-
April 28, 2009